Monday, November 10, 2008

My family...

I think my old co-worker summed it up this morning fairly well: "They're toxic."

This has never been a surprise - as my own mother started beating me and verbally abusing me from the time I was in the 1st Grade. This would typically go on while my Dad was still at work - or when he drove mixer truck and was gone for weeks at a time. I heard through my brother that my Dad didn't believe my claims of my mother's abuse... though to this day I can't understand why he wouldn't believe me. Maybe it's guilt on his part - too hard to see the truth.

It's been 12 weeks and 2 days since I spoke to my parents.

I'm angry as hell at them. They continue to treat me like I'm 15 years old, like I'm not able to make decisions myself about who I should or shouldn't date. My current "date" is forbidden fruit. I'll be 35 years old next month. The last time I checked, I'm MORE than capable of living my own life and making my own decisions. I don't rely on them for help - financially or emotionally.

They don't approve of Jeff because of what my Dad's cousin (Jeff's ex father in law) has told them. It's literally been obvious that my Mom didn't like him the day she met him. She's sniped at his children, and sneered at him the first weekend I brought him home to meet my parents. It's my parents who aren't speaking to me - not the other way around. Yet it's my parents who claim that I'm choosing Jeff over my family. I find their justifications pretty funny - considering they are the ones with the big problem, not me.

The other part of me is really sad and misses my parents dearly. Especially my Dad. The holidays are coming - my birthday is coming... it's very doubtful that I'll hearing anything from them.

Last Thursday I got a text message from my Mom. It said: "Did Kyra get the package we sent her for Halloween?" I responded with "Yes. In fact she handmade a thank you card for you guys last night." No response back. Just now, 4 days later - as I'm typing this - she sends me another text message: "Mail service must be down between Vancouver and Astoria. We still haven't gotten anything from Kyra. What's the deal." THIS is what I'm talking about. The bitchy attitude... like I'm going to waste any time responding to THAT bullshit.

Good. I found my anger again. No need to be sad.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Long overdue...

Things did get worse before they got better. About 4 weeks after I lost my job, my car got repossessed. Oh yeah. At about 1:30 am one morning, someone was repeatedly ringing my doorbell, wanting my car. I voluntarily gave my keys up, or I would have been charged even more. I had enough money about 3 days later to go get it back - which I did, but it was just the cherry on the top for me.

I spent the majority of my time searching for jobs. I kept myself busy in the mornings by getting up with Kyra and taking her and the neighbor girl to school. Sometimes I'd go back to sleep - but most of the time I'd do more job searching. I think I had a total of 4 interviews one week... no responses. I honestly didn't think my life could possibly get any lower. On the 16th of May, I was called in for a job interview for a small clinic in NE Portland. I went, not expecting anything - mainly because the pay was too good to be true. I was called back on the 21st, and offered the position. I've been there almost 5 months now, and it's quite possibly one of the best jobs I've ever had.

Also on the 16th of May I went on my first "date" after my breakup with Cliff. Jeff and I met online and had been chatting and talking on the phone with him for a couple weeks. We decided to meet up at Starbucks for coffee. He hugged me twice before leaving. I couldn't tell if he liked me or not... Maybe he was just being nice? We were both looking for the same thing... someone to hang out with - go to the movies with - go out to dinner with... neither of us were looking for anything serious. We went on two more dates during the day while kids were at school (He's got two boys, 6 & 9 years old.), before deciding that we were both smitten.

Jeff is 36, and a transplant from Salinas, California. His divorce was final in April - his ex wife is addicted to Meth. He owns his own business - cleaning carpets, gutters, windows, air ducts and most recently - landscaping. All in all, he's a fairly successful man. Not to mention he has sole custody of his children.

I moved to Vancouver (which was the plan before I met Jeff), into a large 2 bedroom, 2 1/2 bath townhome - about 5 minutes from Jeff's house. I was paying $900/mo, plus utilitites - and literally only stayed there 2 weeks over the 4 months I was on the lease. Jeff called it my "$900 a month storage unit." It just seemed logical that we move in together. He lives in a 2800 sq. ft., 5 bedroom home. Our room alone is 900 square feet. Luckily, I was allowed to break my 2 year lease - but lost my $900 in deposits because of it.

Here's where my "Murphy's Law" luck fits into the picture. It turns out Jeff's ex father in law (His ex meth addicted ex wife's step-father) is my Dad's cousin. Not distant cousin... but the cousin that he spent every holiday with as a child. Of course, we don't realize this until a couple of months into our relationship.
My parents hadn't even met Jeff at this point. So before they even have an opportunity to meet him - my Dad calls his cousin to get the "dirt" on Jeff.

His ex father in law told my Dad that Jeff's a great Dad - that his boys will never want for anything... but that he's selfish, jealous, and money hungry. He told my Dad that he's very controlling, and that every time he and Julie (his ex wife) split up, he'd have a girlfriend waiting in the wings to babysit his children. He also told my Dad that Jeff never went to Sonoma State in California, and never played football there either... Supposedly, my Dad then called Sonoma State admissions and was told that Jeff never did attend school there - and wasn't listed on the football roster. So, Jeff apparently lies about stupid stuff.

The last time I spoke to my parents was August 16th at our family reunion. Jeff and all the kids were all with me - My Mother had a moment where she was yelling at Jeff's oldest about where he was going in her sister's house. I approached her and told her that I had asked him myself to go downstairs, and that she needn't be concerned. She turned around and went outside.

I hear from my sister in law that my parents have basically disowned me. My Dad doesn't care if I'm in his life or not - and my Mother can't understand why "I'd choose a lying piece of shit over my own family." She refers to me as "Kyra's stupid mother". Of course, I started doubting myself, and Jeff. Jeff doesn't understand why he doesn't show up on Sonoma State's records - yet refuses to request transcripts. Says that he shouldn't have to prove himself to anyone, that he doesn't lie, and doesn't really care that my Dad thinks otherwise.

One evening I was home alone, and snooped. I found an old reciept (March of 1996) from a student loan disbursement from Sonoma State. It's right there in black and white. Of course, Jeff would be hurt that I doubted him, not to mention that I snooped through his belongings - so I can't say anything. Really, to anyone. It's enough for me to know that he's not lying - and I need to just find peace in that.

I'm seeing my psychiatrist this afternoon. It's been almost a year since I've had constant insurance - so I'm looking forward to my appointment. Hopefully, I'll find time to update more frequently - like more than once every 6 months. :-)

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Lessons learned

My life has really done a 180 over the last two weeks. My emotions have ranged from sadness to anger, relief to pure frustration. It literally feels like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me. I'm not sure why I haven't blogged here in so many months. Maybe if I had, I would have seen some sort of pattern or something, and been able to recognize what happened. Or maybe it was that I was already aware of what what happening, but I didn't want to admit it.

As written on my MySpace blog April 11th:

I get up at 6:30 for work. Shower, dry my hair, get dressed. On my way off to work, I come back in the bedroom and kiss Cliff goodbye. He hugs me tight, and returns my kisses. I mentioned something about how good his lips felt this morning. He sorta chuckled. I asked him if he'd like me to call him later to make sure he was up for work. He said, no - he'd be good, and that he was going to be getting up anyway. We parted with an "I love you", "I love you too." and he even said "Have a good day, sweetie." Kyra didn't have school this morning, but she did have play practice at 1:00pm. Against my wishes, she had to walk to the school by herself to make it to rehersal or she'd lose her part. I asked her to please call me before she left in the morning, and then again when she arrived at the school so I wouldn't be worried. I wasn't as nervous about her walking back home, because she was going to be walking to Cliff's work, and they'd walk home together. Throughout the morning, I try calling the house - but the phone goes directly to voicemail. I can't figure out what's going on, and naturally I'm a little bit nervous. About 12:15pm, she calls me at work:

Kyra: Hi Mom. I'm at school.
Me: Good!
Thank you for calling! Are you okay? You're there really early?
Kyra: Yeah. You know that Cliff left, right?
Me: What?? What are you talking about?
Kyra: He packed up his futon, and he's leaving.
Me: I don't understand? What did he say to you?
Kyra: Well, he woke me up this morning making all this noise, and when I got up he was taking apart his futon. I asked him what he was doing, and he said that he was sorry that I was the first person to know, but that he was leaving.

Of course, I immediately start crying and told her that I'd be there to pick her up after rehersal. My supervisor was sitting right next to me, and said "What's going on?" When I told her, she said "Do you need to go? You can if you need to." So I left. A million things are running through my head as I'm driving home. Why? What did I
do? I don't get it... We haven't even been fighting lately? Although he had been acting rather strange the last couple days - overall, he's been okay.I get home, and the house is a wreck. EVERYTHING that he had here, his futon, computer and desk, dresser, bookshelf with books, all the pictures on the walls, all the bedding on our bed - gone. He even took the rest of the Capri Suns, a box of Cherrios, Froot Loops, two boxes of macaroni and cheese, chips, and one of Kyra's mandarin orange cups for her lunch. He took his prized shower head, and reattached my old one. Later, after I calmed down - I realized that he also left a note, his keys, and his phone & charger. (which is going on Ebay tomorrow to pay off his fucking cell phone bill.) The note gave no explanation of why he left. It simply said, "First, we can talk about this after the weekend if you want. Second, don't come into my work PLEASE! Third, you can take the phone and sell it, I'm going back to Qwest. The tv, internet and phone are shut off and being transfered to my new place. All ties are broken between us. I understand you're going to be upset, but please be civil about this. When I told Kyra, she didn't seem too upset that I was leaving - WEIRD! Anyway, good luck with your life - Goodbye!! Cliff

Right now, I have no phone. Our cell phones are currently disconnected because I haven't had the funds to pay the bill. Hopefully, I'll have enough money when I get paid on Tuesday to get mine turned back on again. I'm stuck with his cell phone plan for the next year and 10 months - so luckily it's only $9.99 a month. The ONLY thing he paid for over the last 8 months was the internet, phone and cable tv. Of course, all of which are gone now - so I don't even have a land line if I needed to get a hold of someone... or right now, just talk to someone. Amazingly, I haven't cried. I'm pissed off BEYOND belief however. I'm angry that he put my 10 year old daughter in the middle of everything. Why do something shitty like that to a little kid?? Why should my daughter be the one to take the burden of calling her Mommy at work to tell her that her boyfriend had moved out and had broken up with her? Who DOES that?? Apparently, he also told her that he "Couldn't handle my financial problems anymore." OMG! My financial problems started happening AFTER his mooching ass moved in!! Who supported him for a month when his back went out and he couldn't
work? Who's paid for 95% of ALL the groceries in this household (although he claims that he never ate here!!) ONLY last payday did he contribute $217.00 towards rent. I hadn't seen a DIME before then. Not to mention the money I spent taking us out when we had Lilly for the weekend, or if he and I went out one night. It was ME who paid!? Funny, hindsight - I should have kicked his lazy ass to the curb when he
completely ignored my birthday. No gift or anything. Then when Christmas came around, he said he didn't have the money - but that I get my gift after the beginning of the new year. Did I? Of course not. This is emotionally draining. I feel fortunate that I'm able to get a very weak wireless signal from one of my neighbors so that I at least have internet. He's a horrible person. Not worthy of my being upset. Not worthy of the last 8 months of my life, home, love and money that I gave him. Part of me is actually a bit relieved that this is over.

It's been a rollercoaster. I haven't spoken to him on the phone since this happened, although we've written back and forth a few non-productive emails. He literally doesn't feel any sense of responsibilty, or guilt for the way he handled everything. He has never given me any sort of reasoning as to why he left. Hell, we had sex two nights before he was gone. I'm embarassed. I'm humiliated. I'm saddened that I allowed and trusted someone into my heart - at this level - who so obviously took advantage of me and my kindness. I'll never again be so trusting or giving in a relationship. The walls that I thought were all broken down have gone back up in record time.

Then, to pour salt on an open wound - This last Friday the 18th I got fired from my job. I had only been there 5 weeks. I was hired to work at the front desk, checking in patients and answering phones. I never once had an opportunity to do the job I was hired to do. I was put into medical records... a job that I've NEVER done before. Granted, it's considered an "entry level" job - but even entry level jobs have a learning curve when you've never done it before!! Apparently I wasn't doing the job fast enough for them... we had a meeting on April 4th, when they told me that I needed to "speed up". I asked if I could implement a new filing system... one where we could use out guides - something that every clinic I've ever worked in used. They told me that I just needed to learn how to find charts faster. Two weeks later - although I had made some improvements, and even though they really liked me and thought I was a "delightful" person, since they were paying me "top dollar", they needed someone who could pick up on the job (that I wasn't even HIRED for) immediately.

So I'm collecting unemployment. Which is definitely better than nothing, however it's still $480 less than what I typically make per month. So it's going to be somewhat of a struggle... especially so after the financial ruins that Cliff left me in after he bailed.

I'm not so sure how much more bad news I can take.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

2 months, 14 days

Yes, I know how long it's been since I've written. But hell - things have been a little crazy!

I can't believe Christmas is just a couple weeks away. Our tree is up, and there's a couple presents under it... but there's still soooooo much more to do. Interestingly enough, Christmas is at our apartment this year. Christmas has always been at my parent's house. We go to the coast... this year, they are coming here. Yikes!

Oh - yes... I told my parents that Cliff and I moved in together. I believe that it was the last week in October. So I didn't wait too terribly long. It was seriously no big deal. I told my Mom, and she genuinely sounded happy for me. We had Thanksgiving at my parent's house, and it was great. Honestly, I don't think it could have gone better. Cliff has a way with my parents... he's really wonderful.

Things between the two of us are really good. I'd be lying if I said perfect - but then again some "growing pains" are to be expected. I think it's just par for the course to expect some turbulence, especially since we moved in together 6 weeks after we met. I think it would be really irresponsible to expect that everyday is sunshine and rainbows. What I'm sure of is I'm in this for the long-haul. We have a connection that I've never had with someone before. Every day is another opportunity to learn something new about each other. I'm going to try to not take one of those days for granted...

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Bad chick-flick entry here.

Well, he moved in Sunday. We woke up on Sunday morning, and he had it in his head that he wanted to get his room cleaned out of the house, and get all his bathroom and clothes moved over. So we did. This coming weekend we'll move over all the other odds and ends – and the rest into the storage unit. It's all just falling into place.

Yesterday, we met for lunch at a little coffee shop near the apartment. I sat and ate… bitched about my job… looked for a new one online. Then it was time for me to leave and go back to work. I kissed him goodbye and headed out the door. I was almost a block away and I heard him calling for me. He was running after me. I stopped, and he came up to me and wrapped his arms around me. I thought he was going to tell me that I had something stuck on my butt … I actually asked "what's wrong?" He kissed me and said "I love you."

I don't have words to describe the feelings I have for him. You know those corny movies where two people are stopped in an outside doorway, kissing each other - cars racing down the street - pedestrians rushing past the couple. It's like the world outside has completely ceased to exist. They are each other's world for that moment in time. Okay, even as I type it I feel the corn-ball vibe. But it's what it was like! I hate comparing Cliff to anyone else, because he's a one of a kind. However I can't help but think back to times in my life when I was with other people... Constantly wondering if I measured up. Worried that I had said or done something wrong. Always insecure. Afraid that they were going to leave me. Scared that they were going to meet someone better than me. Maybe things are different now because I've grown as a person. Maybe they're different because I was pretty happy - even without a "boyfriend" or significant other. Maybe my heart was finally ready? Perhaps it's just because he's perfect for me. We're both seeking the same things in life - both of us ready for that next step... and our worlds just happened to collide at the perfect moment.

Friday, September 21, 2007


Kyra and I are just hanging out at the local 24 hour coffee shop burning CDs, drawing, reading, surfing the net while we wait to pick Cliff up from work. Speaking of coffee shops w/ internet: Isn't there some sort of a code of conduct at these places!? You know... like a library or something? When I come here, it's to zone out on the net, write in my blog, listen to music in my EARPHONES - just be quiet, enjoy the moment in my own little world. Tonight, a group of 20-somethings came in and all bought dessert. There are seven of them. Apparently it's someone's birthday. They're loud. They're obnoxious. They're laughing, pounding tables, disturbing others. Maybe I'm wrong? Maybe I'm just being selfish of my nice quiet zone. But I can hear their laughter OVER my music on my headphones that's jacked up to the max volume.

One week left. It's all so surreal. I sent him a text message this afternoon. He had come to my place during lunch because he didn't want me to be alone when a guy was coming over to look at my diningroom set. The guy was sorta rude on the phone.

I wrote:

You're so hot. And yummy. And snuggly. And kissy. Where
the heck have you been hiding all these years?
He wrote back:

I decided to have August Moon. It's good. And where have I been?...
waiting for you. Duh.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Full speed ahead!

The official "move in" date has been moved up to Sept. 30th. I wish I could put my finger on all of my emotions right now, but I'm having a hard time nailing down just one. I wouldn't say that I'm having any sort of regrets or even cold feet… I'm just a little scared, and I'd think that's to be expected. Just given the fact that I haven't lived with anyone in over 10 years… then there's the fact that I haven't known Cliff for very long… It's not going to make that big of a difference – he's at my apartment 3 & 4 nights a week anyway. Then he works late nights Tuesday – Saturday, so I still have a fair amount of "alone" time… as does he in the mornings when Kyra and I are at school and work.

I've waited a LONG time for someone like Cliff to come into my life. He's funny, intelligent, kind, sincere, sexy, loving, compassionate and understanding. He's a good father, and I truly enjoy spending time with him. I just keep thinking about Sam, and how I refused to move in with him – even though he brought it up on a weekly basis. There was something telling me that I didn't want to/shouldn't live with him. I don't have any of these reservations about Cliff.

This week Kyra and I are going through the piles of crap throughout the apartment. We're separating items from garbage to storage things. Tomorrow, Cliff and I are renting a storage unit and then this weekend we're going to start loading it up with both of our things. I could definitely get rid of a LOT of items, and it will be SO nice to have extra room and storage for just plain LIVING.

I do have concerns – none of which are really valid – just basic normal everyday concerns that I'd hope anyone taking this big of a step would have… It's a little scary!